It’s been a while since I wrote new year’s resolutions, mostly because it feels shitty to realize that I haven’t kept any of my lofty goals at the end of the year.

But this year, I’m inspired by Samantha Irby’s “New Year, Same Trash: Resolutions That I Absolutely Did Not Keep,” where she chronicles all of her wishes and how she failed at them in her signature raw and funny self-deprecating style.

They say that imitation is the best form of flattery and in hopes of becoming a funny and entertaining writer like Samantha Irby, I’m listing my string of wishes below loosely based on her table of contents*.

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Writing
[1]  Write at least three posts a week
[2]  Take a non-fiction writing course

Events and Happenings
[3]  Attend at least one late-night show tapings
Ideas: Last Week Tonight, Daily Show, or Late Night with Seth Meyers
[4]  Go to the park more often, more specifically have a picnic at either Central Park or Battery Park and maybe visit Botanical Gardens
[5]  Host dinners with friends at least once per quarter
Ideas: Lunar New Years, Summer BBQ, Thanksgiving & Christmas

I Am Just an Old Garbage Bag Full of Blood
[6]  Workout 3-4 times a week
[7]  Drink more water and less coffee

Cultural Kinds of Things
[8]  Get tickets for Shakespeare in the Park or at least attend of the the summer theater events in NYC
[9]  Visit the art museum at least once per quarter
Ideas: MET, MOMA & Whitney
[10] Start a book or an article club with likeminded people
[11] Subscribe to the New Yorker and read weekly
[12] See more movies in the theater

Glamour
[13] Wear sunscreen every day
[14] Sheet-mask at least once a week
[15] Get eyebrows done every three weeks
[16] Get haircuts every three months
[17] Simplify my closet and buy quality pieces

Possibly Going Outside
[18] Plan weekend trips with hubby for at least twice a year and plan a big trip at least once a year

Emotional Well-Being
[19] Write more cards to friends and family on birthdays and holidays
[20] Buy gifts in advance for husband, family and extended family

Responsible Adult Activities
[21] Save at least 15% of my income
[22] Sort out my 401K and actively invest in funds (Vanguard)
[23] Try out more recipes and cook more often at home

General Life Horseshit
[24] Go to bed early and get up early, on weekdays and on weekends
[25] Make, and stick to, a budget
[26] Figure out my email situation

Bettering Myself
[27] Brush upon R
[28] Build my vocabulary
[29] Learn Python
[30] Listen to more podcasts

Leaving my Comfort Zone
[31] Attend more networking events (both professional and personal)

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Thirty-one should be more manageable than Irby’s seventy and excited to see how this year turns out.

Cheers to 2018!